Joke Thread

[Festavo]

Go ahead and post some jokes! Let's hear them.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Spoiler

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and says "I want a tattoo of Elvis on the inside of my right thigh."

The artist says "No Problem, get undressed and lay on the table." When he is done, he says "So, what do you think?"

She replies," That doesn't look like ELVIS at all! I want you to do it over on the inside of my left thigh" The artist agrees and when finished, asks for her to appraise his work. "DAMMIT,..not only does that not look like ELVIS, it looks just like the tattoo on my other thigh!"

Calmly the artist asks her if she would like a second opinion and he walks outside and grabs the first person he sees...a drunk. He brings him back inside, shoves his face between her legs and says, "I want you to look at these two tattoos and tell me who it is?" The drunk looks at one tattoo, then the other, and exclaims, "Well...I don't know about the twins, but that's WILLIE NELSON in the middle!"

[Benjamin C Ravenclaw]

Spoiler

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

[Dragonian Alliance]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Just a minute and I'll see.




Why'd the chicken cross the road?

Who let out the chickens?



Two atoms are in a bar. One says, "Have you seen my electrons? I lost them"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive"

[Festavo]

*crickets*

[War Wombat]

So there's three axis spies: A Vichy French spy, a German Spy, and an Italian spy. Each of them is carrying 1/3 of a vital plan. What's bad for them, however, is that they've been captured by the allies. So, in order to get the plans, the allies decide to torture the spies. First, they grab the Frenchman from his cell, tie his hands behind his back, and march him off. After 2 hours of "enhanced interrogation," he gives in and tells them everything he knows. Next, its the German's turn. They tie his hands behind his back and march him off. After 4 hours, he gives in and tells them everything he knows. Finally, its time for the Italian. They tie his hands behind his back and marched him off. 4 hours pass, then 8, then 12. Finally, the allies give up and throw the Italian back in the cell. "Why didn't you talk?" the Frenchman asks him. "I wanted to," complains the Italian, "but they wouldn't let me use my hands!"

[Kemi]

Spoiler

BALDER

[Plagentine]

Why do white markers exist? So that black people can make themselves better.

[Tim Stark]

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.