Draft: Commend Astarial

[mcmasterdonia]

Not quite ready to submit or post to NS forums yet, so thought I'd share it on a couple of GCR forums first:

Commend Astarial THE WORLD ASSEMBLY:

Acknowledges that Astarial has been an active contributor to NationStates for more than nine years.

Recognizes the hard work that Astarial has put into Equilism, serving in nearly every Government position including: Prime Minister, Military Minister, Domestic Affairs Minister, Foreign Affairs Minister, Immigration Minister and Associate Justice.

Notes that the region of Equilism has sustained itself significantly due to the efforts of Astarial in recruitment, culture, entertainment, and their leadership in the affairs of government through several government terms.

Applauds Astarial’s long-time involvement in regional militaries and their expertise as a military commander, having served as Secretary of State of the Alliance Defense Network, Commander of the Central Defence Army, and Chief of Staff of the E-Army of Equilism. Their grace and honorable behavior on the battlefield were recognized by allies and opponents alike, and nations across the raider-defender divide.

Admires Astarial's extensive commitment to legislative improvement in Equilism, Osiris, and The North Pacific, which has led to the nation achieving recognition as an effective legislator and civil servant across interregional boundaries.

Asserts that Astarial was a fierce campaigner against the rogue delegacy of The Dourian Embassy in Osiris, during which the region was occupied by Gatesville Inc and thousands of nations were ejected. Astarial’s work in the coup’s aftermath, from the positions of Kai Repat and Pharaoh, laid the foundation for the subsequent cultural, legislative, and political reformation of Osiris.

Appreciates Astarial’s extraordinary skills in diplomacy, evident in their involvement in the successful negotiation of formal treaties, the establishment of long-lasting alliances between multiple regions, and their fundamental contributions to interregional organizations.

Affirms that throughout their history, Astarial has demonstrated commendable commitment to the protection of regional sovereignty, and has consistently contributed to efforts against the spread of hateful ideologies in NationStates.

Observes Astarial’s dedication to mentoring and supporting other nations and World Assembly Delegates in their duties, applying their experience and knowledge to supporting the next generation of regional leaders, and acknowledging these efforts as having contributed to the nation's international respect as a highly capable diplomat and honourable nation.

Contends that Astarial’s leadership has brought peace and tranquility to Warzone Europe, a region previously plagued with unrest and military upheavals. Under Astarial’s direction, Warzone Europe has enjoyed a stable delegacy for the record period of six months.

Believes that the contributions of Astarial to NationStates are extensive, significant and deserving of recognition.

Hereby commends Astarial.

Co-authored by Renaissancistic People.

Spoiler

THE WORLD ASSEMBLY:

Acknowledges that Astarial has been an active contributor to NationStates for more than nine years.

Recognizes the hard work that Astarial has put into Equilism, serving in nearly every Government position including Prime Minister, Military Minister, Domestic Affairs Minister, Foreign Affairs Minister, Immigration Minister and Associate Justice.

Notes that the region of Equilism has sustained itself significantly due to the efforts of Astarial in recruitment, culture, entertainment, and their leadership in the affairs of government through several government terms.

Applauds Astarial’s long-time involvement in regional militaries and their expertise as a military commander, having served as ADN Secretary of State, Commander of the Central Defence Army, and Chief of Staff of the E-Army of Equilism. Their grace and honorable behavior on the battlefield were recognized by allies and opponents alike, and nations across the raider-defender divide.

Admires Astarial's extensive commitment to legislative improvement in Equilism, Osiris, and The North Pacific, which has led to the nation achieving recognition as an effective legislator and civil servant across interregional boundaries.

Asserts that Astarial’s was a fierce campaigner against the rogue delegacy of The Dourian Embassy in Osiris, during which the region was occupied by Gatesville Inc and thousands of nations were ejected. Astarial’s work in the coup’s aftermath, from the positions of Kai Repat and Pharaoh, laid the foundation for the subsequent cultural, legislative, and political reformation of Osiris.

Observes Astarial’s commitment to the protection of regional sovereignty, as demonstrated by their fundamental contribution towards the creation of Sovereign Confederation, their subsequent leadership of this organization, and the support of anti-Nazi war efforts.

Appreciates Astarial’s extraordinary skills in diplomacy, evident in their involvement in the successful negotiation of formal treaties and the establishment of long-lasting alliances between multiple regions.

Is cognizant of Astarial’s dedication to mentoring and supporting other nations and World Assembly Delegates in their duties, applying their experience and knowledge to supporting the next generation of regional leaders, and acknowledging these efforts as having contributed to the nation's international respect as a highly capable diplomat and honourable nation.

Observes that Astarial’s leadership has brought peace and tranquility to Warzone Europe, a region previously plagued with unrest and military upheavals. Under Astarial’s direction, Warzone Europe has enjoyed a stable delegacy for the record period of six months.

Believes that the contributions of Astarial to NationStates are extensive, significant and deserving of recognition.

Hereby commends Astarial.

Co-authored by Renaissancistic People.

[Cormac]

This is a pretty solid first draft. A couple of suggestions:

Aware that Astarial has been an active contributor to NationStates for more than nine years,

This may be a Rule 4 violation. Suggested alternative: "Aware that Astarial has actively contributed to interregional peace and goodwill for more than nine years,"

Acknowledging that the region of Equilism has sustained itself significantly due to the efforts of Astarial in recruitment, culture, entertainment, and her leadership in the affairs of government through several government terms,

Note the bolded "in," which is missing from your draft.

Applauding Astarial’s long-time involvement as an active defender, serving as ADN Secretary of State, Commander of the Central Defence Army, and as a member of the E-Army of Equilism. Their grace and honorable behavior on the battlefield were recognized by allies and opponents alike, and nations across the raider-defender divide;

I don't personally have a problem with this, but you're going to potentially lose votes from regions and people who don't like to commend people for defending. This could be re-worded to acknowledge a broader contribution to military gameplay, rather than just defending, particularly given that Asta currently serves as Chief of Staff of E-Army and it is no longer a defender military, and also given that she was Secretary General of Sovereign Confederation, which was an independent/sovereigntist organization rather than a defender organization.

Of course, that also runs the risk of losing votes from defenders who are annoyed you didn't say "defender," but some of them tend to oppose commendations of Asta anyway and you will still be mentioning the defender organizations she was in.

Gratified by Astarial's extensive commitment to proof-reading and legislative improvement, in Equilism, Osiris, and The North Pacific, which has led to the nation achieving recognition as an effective legislator and civil servant across interregional boundaries;

I would drop "proof-reading" here and just to with "legislative improvement." Proof-reading doesn't sound significant, even if it is, but it also lends itself to the idea that Asta mostly just fixes other people's legislation when in fact she's a brilliant legislator in her own right, an ideas person and not just a proof-reader. The foundations for much of our government structure are based on her ideas.

Asserting that Astarial’s was a fierce campaigner against the rogue delegacy of The Dourian Embassy in Osiris, during which the region was occupied by Gatesville and thousands of nations were ejected. Astarial’s work in the coup’s aftermath, from the positions of Kai Repat and Pharaoh, laid the foundation for the subsequent cultural, legislative, and political reformation of Osiris;

Gatesville Inc is the technically accurate region, not Gatesville, though I'm not sure it makes a difference. It could, to anyone who doesn't know the region's history.

Cognizant of Astarial’s dedication to mentoring and supporting other nations and World Assembly Delegates in their duties, applying their experience and knowledge to supporting the next generation of regional leaders; These efforts have contributed to the nation’s international respect as a highly capable Diplomat and honourable nation;

This clause looks clunky with the semi-colon before "These." I suggest this re-write: "Cognizant of Astarial's dedication to mentoring and supporting other nations and World Assembly Delegates in their duties, applying their experience and knowledge to supporting the next generation of regional leaders, and acknowledging these efforts as having contributed to the nation's international respect as a highly capable diplomat and honourable nation;"

Believing that the contributions of Astarial to NationStates are extensive, significant and deserving of recognition;

Again, R4. I would suggest "the world" or "interregional diplomacy" as a substitute for "NationStates."

Finally, on a proof-reading note, make sure you use either commas or semi-colons at the end of clauses. Right now I see both.

Again though, great first draft.

[mcmasterdonia]

Thanks Cormac.

Using NationStates is okay. It has been ruled legal. I don't have time right now, but I'll go through your other suggestions sometime in the morning.

[Cormac]

Ah okay, I wasn't sure on the use of NationStates. Disregard those then.

[shetef]

I like this and support it wholeheartedly.

[r3naissanc3r]

Thanks for the comments Cormac, I've incorporated most of them into our working draft. We'll probably post an update soon.

[Cormac]

Awesome!

[mcmasterdonia]

Op updated.

[mcmasterdonia]

OP updated with the latest draft.

I'll probably submit in the next 24 hours if there aren't any objections.

[shetef]

Fix this please ;w;

Asserts that Astarial’s was a fierce campaigner against the rogue delegacy of The Dourian Embassy in Osiris, during which the region was occupied by Gatesville Inc and thousands of nations were ejected. Astarial’s work in the coup’s aftermath, from the positions of Kai Repat and Pharaoh, laid the foundation for the subsequent cultural, legislative, and political reformation of Osiris.