News from the Antarctic Oasis region ۩ 19 May 2015
Death Star falls to Kennyites, world quakes in fear
Kennyites apparently found the keys to the Flibbleites' Death Star underneath a pile of used Muppets. WA HEADQUARTERS --- Kennyite diplomats to the General Assembly claim to have successfully pulled off a heist to wrest control of the infamous Death Star away from the dormant Flibbleites, but other government officials worry that divine intervention might rain on their world-domination parade.
National Security Adviser Capt. Jenny Chiang says she recently received the coveted keys to the old Death Star from her, uh, "captive," "Ambassador" Susa Batko-Yovino, who apparently led the raid on Bob Flibble's offices to find the keys.
"Some people might suspect that if we let a lunatic like Susa get his hands on the keys to a weapon like the Death Star, we'd never hear from him again," said Chiang, "but I have my ways of winning his loyalty!" She chuckled evilly.
"Like promising never to torture him again if he ran off without telling me," she added, under her breath, as though nearby reporters couldn't hear her.
"Don't you mean you WOULD torture him if he ran off without telling you?" asked a confused reporter.
Chiang looked up with a gaze not unlike a deer caught in the headlights. "I know what I said," she muttered angrily, stalking off.
Aids to Capt. Chiang assured reporters that what she MEANT to say was that winning control of the Star may have been a rough task -- apparently Batko-Yovino had to sneak around a sleeping guard of chocobos in order to locate the keys, beneath a massive pile of what can only be described as used Muppets (missing the essential hands up their asses) and dried-out 17-pound trouts -- but that the Kennyites were ready to wield their new power to bring "order" to the chaotic General Assembly.
But new power brings with it new worries, as the job now falls upon Kennyite diplomats to insist to GA fluffies that they do TOO have a Death Star, and will not hesitate to use it if they do not get their way on key votes -- including a repeal they've been drafting in secret for weeks, but dare not bring it up now...
"Some nitpicking rules-lawyers may try to point out that theft doesn't make the Death Star legally ours," said WA mission official George Brown. "But I think we can convince them as to the validity of our case once we blow up their precious Planet Alderaan! Heh-heh...just as soon as we figure out how the controls work."
Yes, it appears the Kennyites have hit another snag in their reckless quest for global supremacy: no one in the Kennyite military has anywhere near the technological know-how to operate a massive, ultra-advanced interstellar weapon/space station -- particularly one that has been out of use for some time (it has not been seen in action since blowing up the WA Space Research Station in 2011), and may require billions of dollars in upkeep before it's back in working order. Yet spokespersons for the Kennyite Armed Forces contend they will eventually work it all out, and have even been in secret consultations with Yeldan scientists on how to blow up a peaceful, weaponless planet.
Kennyite scientists pledge their Death Star will augur in a new Reign of Technological
Terror at the World Assembly...as soon as they figure out how the controls work. But some members of the World Assembly are having none of it. "Don't be too proud of this technological terror the Kennyites have constructed," a Kawaiian nekomusume could be overheard snorting in the Strangers' Bar after Chiang announced she had the Death Star keys. "The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Cute One."
"Wait, wait, wait! Did someone mention the Cute One?" a suddenly frightened Secretary of State Jack Riley asked reporters. "That just brings up all kinds of new problems!"
When reporters only laughed at his odd contention, Riley went on: "No, no, it's true! I was ambassador to the Eternal Kawaii! I've seen it! The power of their insane deity is terrible and awesome, and he sure as hell doesn't like new technologies designed to destroy! I tell you one thing, all the disbelievers sure had a big wake-up call when the evil Lord Gojira emerged from the waters and started smashing everything in sight!"
The reporters were rolling on the floor in hysterics as Riley tried to explain his new plan to patrol nearby mountains to make sure the Sanrio Kittens didn't descend from them with an appetite for destruction, and also the oceans in case Lord Gojira awoke from his nap, and just to be on the safe side, shrines to the Cute One on the off-chance of another zombie-critter attack.
"SHUT UP!!!!" the secretary fumed at his incredulous audience. "Once the Death Star makes me Supreme Lord and Master of the Known Universe, you are so BANISHED!!"
Controversy surrounds AO's reaching out to like-minded regions
GEHINNEHEM, Lois-Must-Die --- In a move being blasted by some residents as "way too nice," "borderline fluffy," and "just plain suck-upish," the Antarctic Oasis Department of Foreign Affairs announced that the region would suspend its usual saber-rattling against peaceful countries and railing ceaselessly against the tyranny of the World Assembly, in order to engage in some (rather uncharacteristic) interregional diplomacy.
Under the new plan, four new embassies with other regions would be constructed, and the extant relationship with Osiris would be cemented via opening an official consulate in their diplomatic forum.
"Frankly, I'm against it," griped the lone charge d'affairs still working at the foreign affairs department. He took a break from snorting crack-cocaine laced with gunpowder off his desk to add: "Do you realize just annoying it is to trek out to the Ceremonial South Pole and plant another flag every time we make friends with some other region? It's not an easy trip, there's little freaks from the Evil Smurfs and N00biana you have to worry about out there, and it's colder than an Ardchoillean witch's tit, really."
The plan has also generated concern from some residents of the regions to be coddled. For example, a few residents of Antarctic Oasis supported (in the ironic, "this is too funny" sense, at least) the 2013 coup against the former government of Osiris, which still doesn't sit well with nations that backed the government."Man, the Dourians have been extinct for almost half a year now, yet they still come back to haunt us!" commented a Kennyite State Department official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Apparently that old broken down mansion we had transferred the site of the former city of Douria wasn't good enough for them; their ghosts still have to hang around this crazy place."
Other regions slated for embassy construction have not raised much of a protest...yet. Catholic (home of the never-uncontroversial Christian Democrats) informed Antarctic Oasis that they normally only align themselves with other Catholic regions, but since Antarctic girls were kinda cute, and they'd like to get their numbers, they'd start a vote on whether to open relations anyway. Forest -- which boasts in spades a certain commodity that many Antarctic nations obviously lack -- has already polled its residents, to a positive result. The construction of embassies between those two regions will be completed soon. Glass Gallows has also exchanged embassies. The New Warsaw Pact, which requested embassies four years ago, is still considering the Antarctic offer.
Werepenguins consider 'cutting off' high profile sex-offender
DUMONT D’URVILE, Retired WerePenguins --– As the arrangement of Former First Husband Robert Brown on charges of sexually abusing a minor begins, the recent adoption of castration as a mandatory sentence for sex offenders is raising concerns that the first, first husband in the history of the frozen nation may become a counter tenor.
A visibly nervous Robert Brown, wearing a large orange armband and handcuffs was escorted into court in order to hear the charges placed against him. Bail was denied because he was considered a flight risk, given the extreme punishment that will be applied should he be found guilty.
The debate on whether or not the application of the punishment which was established after the alleged crime was committed but before either the trial or the sentencing is an ex post facto law has been the buzz of the major talk shows and the cable news networks.
Rachael Mad Cow Brown, political commentator, author, television show host and wearer of the ugliest nerdy pair of eyeglasses the world has ever seen, expressed the liberal point of view when she said “Chop it off!” She insisted that the punishment fitted the crime quite nicely.
Mark Loving It Red, lawyer and talk show host, sent mixed signals. “First of all everyone is innocent until proven guilty. But I don’t see why we are discussing whether or not this violates World Assembly bans on Ex Post Facto Laws. Who cares about the World Assembly? We are no longer members of the World Assembly. As the great Aquilina Red, whose administration I once worked for, and who is the greatest navigator ever, once said, ‘Let the world assemble the way they want, but we assemble to the will of our own people, and no others.’”
As a small group of protestors outside the court house with the banner, “Save Robert’s Balls,” battle with a larger group of protestors with the banner “Chop it off,” it is clear that this will be a banner year for news networks and talk radio.
Former First Husband Robert Brown (above) reportedly would prefer being
euthanized to the barbaric punishment currently lined up for him. Allied nation kills off another central character, sets off succession crisis
AKTOBE, Commonwealth of Independent Nations --- The Altani nation, and the entire Commonwealth, were stunned today by the announcement that the Khan Arslan (aka King Aelkyn), the ruler of the Altani for the past fourteen years, has died.
According to official reports, the Khan died as the result of an accident suffered while hunting in the rugged terrain outside the city, which serves as the Altani winter capital. The Khan was reportedly thrown from his horse, breaking his neck and killing him instantly. Further details as to the cause of the accident are not yet available; Altani and Commonwealth investigators are looking into the cause of the accident.
The sudden and unexpected death of the Altani leader has sent the entire Altani nation into displays of mourning, with most government buildings and businesses closing to allow people time to grieve. The Altani government has officially declared a two-week mourning period. Khan Arslan was a widely beloved leader, for his role in leading the Altani safely through multiple conflicts and for helping to create the Commonwealth. "While the Commonwealth of Independent Nations will rank as perhaps his greatest legacy, the tremendous resilience and perseverance he showed in leading the Altani through circumstances that would have broken and shattered most peoples will also rank high among the accomplishments of truly great leaders. Khan Arslan will be remembered as a statesman and leader of the highest order, not just in Altani or Commonwealth history, but among any record of the history of heads of state," Chief Councillor Samira Shirazi said, announcing that flags throughout the Commonwealth will be lowered in honor of the fallen leader.
What a shame. The Khan and his wife were such a cute couple! They never saw that
comet barreling straight for the capital city. Wait -- is that what happened? While the death of the Altani leader would be enough reason for both the Altani, and the Commonwealth, to be upset, the unexpected passing of the Khan has also raised a significant question of succession.
The Khan's son, Dayan, is technically next in line to sit upon the Golden Sun Throne. However, the prince is only fourteen. He is currently under the guidance of the Regent, Eranik Zurabian. The former Chief Councillor was asked to serve as Regent by Khan Arslan when he was forced to abdicate his throne for his actions during the Valadian War. It is unclear at this time if Zurabian will continue to be Regent, or if Dayan will take the throne. It is also unclear what role the Khatun Minghan, wife of the Khan Arslan, will play in succession. There have already been calls from some Altani leaders for Minghan to void the Regency and take the throne herself until Dayan is of age, or just to take the throne outright.
The next few weeks are expected to be perilous and unsettled ones for the Altan Ulus, as the military decides which potential leader to support, and as a nation mourns the loss of one of the most loved leaders in its history. The Commonwealth government in the Hub is expected to watch the situation with grave concern as well; unrest in the largest and most powerful Commonwealth state would be disastrous for the union.
MORE TALES OF THE AO CONSPIRACY:
Boyband member leaves, a president gets new mandate
PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- Music fans were devastated when the Naked Drummer for the popular cover band Gwen's Boy Toys decided to quit in order to give this president thing a try. President Sammy Faisano, who acceded to the country's top job when ex-President Manuelo Fernanda fled to Malibu Islands, was elected to a full term in his own right back in March. Faisano's term has been mired in scandal, as the chief executive faced accusations that his succession was actually a coup orchestrated by former federal Judge Sandy Schweitzer, that he is a closeted "brony," that he was "not tough enough" for not invading very many smaller countries to bully them around and call them terrorists, and that he was "too tough" for seizing the Death Star and "invading" the Planet Mars. Apparently Faisano's critics never heard of the "Goldilocks Defense."
His Dooziness still missing, Generalissimo Francos Spain still dead
The 'BURGH, The Palentine --- After Emperor Captain Spaulding I vanished without a trace last year, numerous theories about what happened to him have been batted around, but few actionable leads have surfaced. Unsubstantiated stories ranging from a palace raid by Xt'Tap jihadis to an alien abduction to the terrifying prospect of a new Antigone Morgan movie have all been covered by the press, but Imperial Security has remained mum on the details. Now K-SPAN is breathing new life into the scandal with a sensational new documentary expose, "His Dooziness: The Real Story," to be aired sometime this summer.
According to the Kennyite public-affairs network, Susa Batko-Yovino, the terrorist who has blown up the World Assembly on several occasions, is actually one of the emperor's many secret love children, and now Batko-Yovino's older sister Susannah (incidentally, also the Kennyite ambassador to the imperial court) is demanding that His Dooziness pay up, lest some unfortunate photographs ever see the light of day.
Specifics about the ambassador's dossier on the emperor are scarce, but rumors abound that they include snapshots of His Dooziness yucking it up and playing golf with Iron Felix, a known COMMUNIST; another of Spaulding munching on popcorn while actually ENJOYING an Antigone Morgan flick; and yet another of him drinking champagne while flirting with the ambassador herself -- which is somewhat taboo considering she is supposedly his stepdaughter.
The palace, again, has refused comment, except to say that the emperor's incestuous run-in, even if true, would have been completely legal under international law, and that His Dooziness, a diehard Iron City™ fan, would never drink champagne. Empress Jhessan's response, however, was a bit more pointed, when she made a trip to WA Headquarters just to kick a K-SPAN film crew's ass.
So long, 2014! You will not be missed.
It was a year of triumph and tragedy, of scandal and accomplishment, of repeals and blockers, of Commends and Condemns, but most importantly, it was a year of getting high as frack and laughing your asses off while you watched it all happen on TV. Retrospectives from 2014 include a compilation of lesser-known Kennyite political reports, a review and update on major stories from the Palentine, and a WerePenguin State of the Union report that must be read in order to be believed.
Empress Jhessan took a break from searching for her father to get in
some beach volleyball with Kennyite President Faisano. Yowza. For more awesome news stories like these, check out the Polar Picayune newswire, available only on the AO forum.
